Growth

When Grief Knocks Softly

Posted on August 26, 2021 by Cancer Death everyday Grief Growth Healing Home Loss Love Mothers Moving Forward Uncategorized 1

Thoughts on loss and my mother on the anniversary of her death.

There has been so much collective grief and loss this past year and a half. Today I sit with my personal grief and remember my mother as she passed away 7 years ago today.

Her voice in my mind isn’t as strong, but it’s still so close. To all of you who have felt grief or loss, be it the death of a family member, partner, friend, or even bff pet, I hope you also feel them with you. Death is inevitable, as I wrote the day before my mom died, but sometimes it really feels unfair when someone we love gets taken sooner than we think they should.

I feel that pain with you today. I feel the anger of missing out on tons of opportunities, to travel, to talk, to get and give advice, a hug, to laugh, or even argue, just to be together, the joy we could have kept sharing.

I also feel the deep appreciation for love that was here, that was felt, that is in me and will live on and on and on.

This date is always really hard…but it is also really good. I love moments that bring me closer to my mom again, and today I feel close to our communal human experience as well.

I am thinking of you out there, in your pain, joy, and memory.

I hope this last journal I wrote the day before my mom died can somehow connect with you and help you feel what you need to feel.

I love you friend, stranger. And I’m glad that you are alive here with me today.

August 25th, 2014

Today was hard, beautiful, overwhelming sad, hopeful, tiring, peaceful.  So much in one day.

I’m thankful that my mom is still here. I don’t want to go forward to a future where she’s not…but it’s all starting to be a little less impossible…and with that I feel a little bit more like the world is going to be okay, even after.

My mom lost her ability to communicate now, almost totally.  She did turn into me when I snuggled up in the bed though, and then held her hand on my leg and then in my hand.

She’s there, she’s just also very far away.

So many people to make sure that they know, so many people to call.  I would hate for someone to be taken by surprise after she’s gone…but it might happen.  It’s just so fast, a few extra days of slowing would be nice to sit, and grieve, smile, even laugh, and do lots of crying.

Which I have to say I will be ready to be done with.  The crying just comes so easy sometimes, but I’m exhausted and don’t want to be sad for the rest of my life.

But, it has been a good one up until now hasn’t it.  And she has gone through it like a blazing star.  So bright you can’t be near her and not be affected by her joy and her positive spirit.  

And this is today.  And if we focus on this moment now it is all a bit easier to bare.  

And death is inevitable.  And we go bravely into the dying of the light.  And we except that it is. And we grieve and we live, always remembering, always carrying her with us.

I carry you with me–i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

And sitting here, next to you with the family…I think you know that.  I think you know that you are still here with us, and you will always be.

Birthdays

Posted on January 22, 2020 by Birthdays Gifts Grief Growth Healing Love 2

26th birthday

My mom and I cheesing. I always love seeing my moms big smile.

This picture with my mom is from my golden birthday (when I turned 26 on December 26th for those of you not in the Midwest wondering what the hell a golden birthday is). My mom went all out (like she always would, especially for birthdays) and got gold EVERYTHING to make it a truly golden birthday. I remember doing our usual runs to all the places she had researched that would give me free stuff for my birthday and her loving every minute of it.  She brought so much life to every situation!

Today, it’s her birthday.  I can’t celebration with her, but we are still here and can bring her light to each other.

Today I also spoke with a student who just recently lost her dad.  It reminded me of how intense and painful it is to lose a parent who is also your best friend.  I  thought about how much the pain has faded and been replaced with gratitude…but also how much I miss my mom and still wish all the time that I could share so much of life’s connections with her. 

Thinking of her brought me to this email I wrote on

Mon, Apr 16, 2012:

It was so good to talk to you tonight!  After seeing you for four straight days it’s hard not to hear your voice, and laugh, and encouraging words every day.  🙂
–
I tagged you in a Facebook post about telling me that I was going to have the best Monday ever 🙂 and then had ruchi respond with this as a comment:
Ruchi:  your mom is one of the most positive, hopeful, cheery people i know! it’s impossible to be down around her. i want you to have the best monday ever now too!!!
–
It was so sweet and actually made me start thinking and get overwhelmed with tears as I was getting ready for bed, brushing teeth, washing my face, that sort of thing.  I admire you so much mom.  I can’t imagine anyone else I’d rather be like.  You’re not only fun, and encouraging, and brighten the room, but you are someone I want to be.  I’m so proud everyday to be your daughter.  I can’t imagine our family, my life, my world without having all that you are and have been in it.
–
I was thinking tonight about how many things I still want to share with you….I really love Brandon, I can’t imagine wanting to be with anyone else anymore.
–
I want you to be there if we get married.  I want you to be there when I have kids someday.  I want to call you up when I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing, and I know you’ll know exactly what to say.  I want to ask you how to cook something …and what to do when I can’t think of any answers…and maybe I just need to cry or have you tell me it’s okay.
–
It’s really hard for me to imagine not sharing these things with you.  Most of the times I try not to think about it.  A lot of times I just try and be strong.  Most of the time I’m really positive and keep believing good health will come to you.  I want all the best things in the world for you ever 🙂
Always though I love you…
–
So I want to tell you I’ll fight with you as long and as hard as we need.  I’ll be on the phone when you need.  I’ll fly home if you just really need a visit.  I’ll be there for you in any way that I can.
–
I love you mom.
Let’s share lots of life together,
Betsy

And we did.

Back at 25 (this was before that great golden birthday pic) I wasn’t as understanding about life as I am now.  I didn’t know how death affects everyone sooner or later, I didn’t understand how I could lose my mom and still carry her with me.

But now I do, and god am I so grateful to have her legacy to remember and try to carry on.

 

A Toast to Carol–Celebrating Love and Family 5 Years Later

Posted on August 15, 2019 by Celebration of Love and Family Grief Growth Healing Love Mothers 2

Five years ago Brandon and I gathered with each other for a Celebration of Love and Family.  We knew that my mother was dying and wanted to have this special moment with her.  It wasn’t a wedding–it was a lot more (and less) than that.  It was our own thing and I’m so glad that it happened–I’m so glad to celebrate, cry, remember, and share about it today.

My mother had told our family that if there was any other city where she would like to have lived it would be Coeur D’Alene, Idaho–so that’s where my dad Joel, brother Jon, partner Brandon, and I met to celebrate 5 years after our celebration and 5 years since we mother died.  Today we toasted to the memory of my mom and to each other. We gathered together again to celebrate our love and our family–5 glasses of wine (1 for her and each of us), her ashes, and shared readings from our Celebration Ceremony.  After laughing, crying, and drinking our wine–with a word of gratitude we threw her glass out into the lake.  I think she would enjoy it out there.

 

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My mother loved to share, loved love, and loved to bring everyone into the family.  Please, today, if you want to add your own words of celebration of love and family I know it would honor my mother and it will bring us all joy to hear it.  Below I’ve shared my own written celebration of love for my mom and for Brandon that I read at our ceremony. 

——–

To my dear mom Carol and to my partner Brandon:

Mom,

When I think about today in my mind it’s actually about you.  I couldn’t be happier to share a part of my life with you and I couldn’t be happier for you to have a significant moment in your own life of dedicating you daughter to someone she loves.  

 

When I look to the future I usually want to stop looking–but the strong part of me that knows I will go on knows I will always have you with me. See, because you are so much a part of me: you are a part of how I see the world, you are part of when I laugh, you are a part of why I’m nice to people, and you are a part of why I plan parties when I know something terrible is going to happen.

 

And, you are a part of why I’m with Brandon.  You always told me I deserved the best, in fact you kind of gave me a complex 🤔 But lots of good came out of it too because you encouraged me to be with someone who had the capability to grow, to be adventurous with me, to challenge me, and to love me back…and Brandon is all of those things.

 

Mom, It’s hard for me to think about loving anyone more than I love you.  You are my mother; you have been my best friend.  I talk to you when I’m sad, when I’m happy, when I’m angry.  You where one of the only people I went to when I had no idea how to feel, what to do, or even how to say it.  And you have ALWAYS been there for me.  Always.  Every phone call, every late night.  

But now, Brandon is that too.

 

And I know when that day comes that I do have to say goodbye, that the passing will be a bit easier because he’s going to be here with me. He’s going to sit with me, hold me, listen to me, and be so many of those things that you’ve been for me. 

 

I love you and I couldn’t be happier to share this day with you.

 

Brandon,

I told you last night that I don’t like to be raw with my feelings about love in front of other people, but I realized that’s actually a lie–I just need to write it down and then I’m a waterfall of affection.  So, let me shower on you for a little bit.

I don’t know what I’d do or what state I’d be in without you.  When I feel like I need to be a rock for everyone you let me be weak and still know that I have strength.  You listen to me, you encourage me, you motivate me to be the kind of person I aspire to be, and you change.

 

And that’ something that’s made me want to, and be happy to, stay.  You’re willing to try the uncomfortable emotions, the scary new environments, the challenging situations.  That’s how I want to live my life, so it’s nice that we an do it together.

 

There’s actually quite a few things I like about the way you live:

 

You’re not perfect, and I love that about you.

You are so fun–you get drunk with me and you’ll stay up past midnight.

You finally learned how to argue with me and now you can’t stop. 😋

But, when we do argue you always try to hear my side, to understand where I’m coming from,, and you respect me even if you think I’m so totally wrong.

You’re now a push-over–I need someone who’s just as stubborn as me.

You don’t give up. You believe in having dreams.  You go after them and then dream even bigger.

You make me feel safe, so loved, and beautiful.

You are okay without me…but damn does it feel good to have you want me by your side.  

You make me watch shooting stars with you, you go camping with me, you keep trying new things.

You laugh at me, with me, and make me laugh sometimes too.

You want to travel the world and help as much as you can along the way.

 

So, no matter what happens, whether we stay together for our whole lives or the opposite, I know that I love who you are and I’m so happy for the things we get to share together.

 

Brandon, you are me rock and my wings, my lightness and my weight.

Let’s keep doing the impossible together.

 

Sending love and joy out to you all today.  Thank you for all the ways you’ve touched our lives and the ways you continue to honor and carry on Carol’s memory.

 

100 Blankets

Posted on August 26, 2018 by everyday Grief Growth Healing Love Partners 3

Today is 4 years since my mom’s body stopped working.

A lot of time has passed and my family and I carry on now pretty well.  We laugh and take trips.  My dad is doing well learning how to move on, my brother is growing in his independence (my mom would be so proud!), and I’m learning how to create again.  Maybe I will keep writing even though I chose to back away from it for a bit.  My mom always loved to see what I would create.  I think I may just keep sharing what words are in me.  So many of them are because of her.

Of course today has had it’s hard and painful moments, but it also was my last day of summer before I start teaching again.  It was a day at the beach with 3 people I love.  It was breezes, iced lattes, and a good new book.  It was belly laughter about the difference between hotdish and casserole and feeling my partners arms around me in the waves of the ocean.  It really was a beautiful day.

She taught me to appreciate these moments.  She told me not to find wealth in material, but to see richness in friends, art, and optimism.  She taught me to be grateful.

Today I am so grateful for the love and memories I have of her.  And, I’m grateful for a world of  “family, friends, even strangers who are willing to love.”

This journal entry from 2 days before my mom died really stuck out to me today.  I wanted to share it tonight.

August 24th, 2014

And I’m back here again, ready to write.

The sad story of a mother who’s dying and a world that has loved her so much.

My aunt says today how she didn’t want her picture with my mom because she doesn’t want to remember her like this…  I want to remember it all.  

I want to sit in bed with her and see her smile when I ask if she wants to cuddle.  I want to wait for that lucid moment when I know she’s listening to us talk around her.  I want to do my best to walk her to the bathroom, move her body for her when her mind says get up and her muscles just stay like jelly. I want to be here, helping her with it all, because she is alive and I love her.

Not that it’s not the most difficult thing ever…it is.  But maybe it’s a part of the healing process already, doing everything I can to take care of her through it all.  She cared for me as a screaming, incapable baby; how could a part of me not be happy to take care of her as a dying adult.

I love her so much.  The pain is too strong because of that…but people bring in so much joy everyday.  Flowers, talks with friends, and friends, and friends, time together, feeling emotions, holding hands.  It is both true that there is so much beauty still in this world, and that the world feels heavy, dark, and gray.

So ending today with a reminder…not to do any last minute relationship building that guilt could whisper will make it better,  (We’ve done it; we’ve had an amazing relationship, and although we did not do all things we sure did a lot and should feel content with a close, loving mother-daughter relationship.) but to take it day by day.  Do not be concerned about tomorrow, tomorrow will worry about itself.  Instead fix your mind on now, and the love that you hold in each moment.

Because I think I’m realizing that even when she leaves there will always be love.  I will miss her and be so sad to not share things with her, but I will not be naked, in a world without connections.  I will be surrounded the the 100 blankets of family, friends, even strangers who are willing to love.

She taught me that it was out there, and I will remember it even when she is gone.

I love you now as much as yesterday

Posted on January 22, 2017 by Birthdays everyday Grief Growth Healing Home Loss Love Mothers Moving Forward 5

Today is my mom’s birthday and I have to count to remember that she would have been 64 today.  I’m sure my dad has thought a time or two about Paul McCartney’s song “64” and that McCartney wasn’t with his first wife at that age either, although their separation was for much different reasons.

 

My mom would have sang it to my dad and they would have laughed and smiled together.

 

But most days I’m not dwelling on what it would’ve been like to have my mom with me anymore.  Most of the days I’m just enjoying my job at a high school that lets me get to know students instead of just teach them.  I’m settling into our new old house that my mother almost feels a part of because I know she would have loved all the intricate parts.  She would talk about the stained glass windows, wood floors and mantle pieces, and how “they just don’t make houses like they used to.” I’m appreciating time with Brandon and how he is such a perfect match for me.  This year for my birthday he made me feel so special with secret gifts and guests, just like my mom always used to.  I’ve been realizing that he helps make missing her less painful because he has so many parts of her personality in him.  Most days I’m getting to focus on building stronger relationships with my dad and brother.  There’s always a bright side that you can find in tragedy (something my mother taught all of us).  I’ve found a real relationship with my dad and a renewed closeness with my brother. Those things would make my mom so happy.  It makes it all better to know she would be so proud of all of us.

 

Most days now I don’t cry when I think of her.  Most times when I’m telling stories I’m laughing and happy to remember.  I feel grateful that so many people that I’ve met after my mom died have told me that they feel like they’ve met her just from the stories and pictures I’ve shown them.   It’s an honor to carry on her stories, to continue her legacy of optimism.

 

So, today when I feel sadness and grief come back I welcome them.  Grief no longer overwhelms me; now it reminds me of the gift that my mother was to all of us.

 

It’s a strange thing– this moving on and living life.  Sometimes I fear that as life continues I’m walking further and further away from the memories of my mother.  But today as I celebrate her I know that I don’t have to worry about losing her in that way.  I hear her voice through my brother when he tells me that mom would be proud of me for standing up for what I believe in, and for working to educate and elevate those experiencing poverty and oppression.  I feel her in the hugs from friends and coworkers who probably don’t even know that they remind me of my mother when they give that good squeeze.  I see her in my own blue hair that I wouldn’t have had the guts to get if I wasn’t able to tell myself, “my mom would LOVE this!”  And I hear her again and again in my head telling me she loves me.

 

Happy birthday mom.  I love you now as much as yesterday, and I always will.

 

 

Letters to the Ones We Love (On Valentine’s day and not so special days in mid-July)

Posted on February 14, 2016 by Cancer Celebration of Love and Family Grief Growth Healing Loss Love Partners Philadelphia 0

It’s Valentine’s Day weekend and there’s lots of love around.  Personally, I find this holiday to be a mix of the annoying (overpriced 7-course meals, hetero-normative displays everywhere, so much sugar) and beautiful (my students all saying why they love and appreciate each other, excuses to take time for yourself with the person you love, and really delicious 7-course meals).  But, my mom always taught me to cling to the best of things, so I’m sending out love and holding close to the love I’m given.

My motivation to write a book about my mother came from reading the journals I had written the summer I was home in Fargo taking care of her as she was dying.  Throughout those 3 months my partner Brandon supported me over the phone from Philadelphia.  It was also during that time that we decided to have a ceremony that would include my mom.  Not a wedding, but a day when we could share our love with each other and our families.  It’s one of the best decisions I’ve made. The pictures from our “Celebration of Love and Family” (as we chose to call it) are gems of my mom’s happiest moments 12 days before she died.

Celebrating love together

Celebrating love together

But, I’m getting ahead of myself.  The piece of journal writing I’m sharing today is from a not so special day when I needed support and Brandon was there for me.  He continues to be a person that I am so happy to be with while we break and rebuild.

My mom knew that I would be okay because I had you.  It is a part of what made her passing easier.  She loved you because you’re awesome, but also because she trusted you to see that I was well taken care of.  You love me in a way that she always did–with gentleness, blind (but you try to see my flaws too) optimism, and abounding support.

This Valentine’s Day I remember my mother who taught me I deserved to be loved, and think of Brandon who helped keep me together when my world broke.  This love is something I hope for everyone sharing in my writing today.  May you find someone to hold hands with as you live, as you break, and as you walk into the dark.

Happy Valentine’s Day.  Love to you all.

——————————————–

July 16th, 2014

 

Hey Brandon,

I’m writing to you while you’re so far away in Philly tonight.

It’s unexpected to see so many good things coming out of tragedies, but, I guess I’ve always thought that. It’s peculiar, but having to face death makes the richness of life come alive. Things that weren’t important, really aren’t important and of course the things that are you hug and hold dear.  I’m thinking often about what I actually want to do with this life because I’m so very aware of its limits.  

It means a lot that you’re willing to be here with me, emotionally.  I mean, I think it’s the right thing to do, but I’m sure it’s not easy.  You get to do all the support and none of the actual experience sharing.  You brighten up my family though, just with a phone call.  It’s funny how much they love you, how much they’ve taken you in to be one of us.  I’m pretty sure they think you’re the ultimate partner for me (and that’s probably a good thing).

Sometimes, when I think about how hard all this is, and that there will be a time when it gets even harder, I just imagine myself in your arms. It’s like I know I will be okay, because when I break you’ll just hold me together.  

It’s hard to be away from you, but this time it doesn’t feel hard for the same reasons.  I don’t feel a lessening of our relationship, even though the distance is real.  I’ve never questioned once while I’m here whether we should really be together. It’s nice to know I want to belong with someone.  It’s nice to know we can argue about something and we’ll both really listen to the each other.  It’s not nice to not feel you…that distance of skin is tangible.  It just makes me feel tired and like I’d really like to kiss you soon. 

I’m so thankful that I’m here.  

This past month I’ve started to accept the fact that I’m going to loose my mom.  That it’s going to hurt like hell, and I’m going to miss her everyday, but somehow I I will be okay.  

She was a lot happier today.  I think that’s where I want to turn my energy–not into trying to make her live forever, but in trying to make her life the best while I can. We are all going to have to die, so isn’t it best to go into the dark holding the hands of people you love.

I love you. You’re the best to share life with.

Betsy

Brandon, my mother, and I during our Celebration of Love and Family

Brandon, my mother, and I during our Celebration of Love and Family

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)

“Getting Better” or How Grief Lets You Grow (even when you don’t want to)

Posted on February 1, 2016 by Birthdays Cancer Grief Growth Healing Loss Mothers Uncategorized 0
Time is hard, and time is healing.

 

Mom, I’ve been doing so much better.  I can talk about you and feel pride and love instead of pain. I can go out and enjoy time with friends and not feel overwhelmed with thoughts of retreating into the corner to be alone.  I can think about the future and feel good about moving forward without being afraid to go anywhere without you.   I’m healing. I’m moving. Which is so scary mom, because it’s still away from you.

 

I think about you in every major decision, whenever someone is in pain, whenever someone is proud of me, or I hurt, or my life changes–you are a part of my future, even if I can’t tell you about it.

 

Today, sitting in a coffee shop with a good friend, I think about how you would laugh with me at the barbie doll girls sitting next to me, brood with me over the rudeness I felt when someone questioned my intelligence because I’m female, and cry with me when the house I was so excited about slipped through our fingers.

 

And because I can still remember you and feel you, it’s like you are sharing these things with me.  I still fear that I’ll keep forgetting you, that time will erode away the strength of my sense of you.  Will I be able to remember your scent, you hugs, the details of your smile and love 30 years from now?

 

Time is hard…and time is healing.

 

Grief has a way of making you change and develop even when you don’t want to, maybe especially when you don’t want to.

 

I can cry now. I couldn’t for about 5 years, unless it was about losing you.

 

I would never wish for this, but now that it is a part of me I will not begrudge it either.

 

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A happy memory: My 27th birthday, the last I got to share with my mom. I’m thankful to be able to look back at this and smile. We shared so much love and fun!

—–

 

When I came across this list from americanhospice.org it rang true for me.  I was happy to feel that I have been healing.  I know my mom would be proud of me to know that I am growing on and growing stronger.

 

I hope that others can feel resonance with the progress of this list.  Maybe you feel some of these changes happening in you after you’ve felt pain or loss.  Maybe you haven’t yet, but you will.

 

As we all move forward through the complications of life, filled with loss and joy, I hope time can continue to bring growth.  Time is hard, but time is healing. Time is hard, but time is growth. Time is hard, but time is life–and she would want us to live it well.

 

You Know You Are Getting Better When…

By Helen Fitzgerald, CT

The progress through grief is so slow, and so often of a “one step forward and two steps backwards” motion, that it is difficult to see signs of improvement. The following are clues that will help you to see that you are beginning to work through your grief:

  • You are in touch with the finality of the death. You now know in your heart that your loved one is truly gone and will never return to this earth.
  • You can review both pleasant and unpleasant memories. In early grief, memories are painful because they remind you of how much you have lost. Now it feels good to remember, and you look for people to share memories with.
  • You can enjoy time alone and feel comfortable. You no longer need to have someone with you all the time or look for activities to keep you distracted.
  • You can drive somewhere by yourself without crying the whole time. Driving seems to be a place where many people cry, which can be dangerous for you and other drivers.
  • You are less sensitive to some of the comments people make. You realize that painful comments made by family or friends are made in ignorance.
  • You look forward to holidays. Once dreaded occasions can now be anticipated with excitement, perhaps through returning to old traditions or creating new ones.
  • You can reach out to help someone else in a similar situation. It is healing to be able to use your experience to help others.
  • The music you shared with the one you lost is no longer painful to hear. Now, you may even find it comforting.
  • You can sit through a church service without crying.
  • Some time passes in which you have not thought of your loved one. When this first happens, you may panic, thinking, “I am forgetting.” This is not true. You will never forget. You are giving yourself permission to go on with your life and your loved one would want you to do this.
  • You can enjoy a good joke and have a good laugh without feeling guilty.
  • Your eating, sleeping, and exercise patterns return to what they were beforehand.
  • You no longer feel tired all the time.
  • You have developed a routine or a new schedule in your daily life that does not include your loved one.
  • You can concentrate on a book or favorite television program. You can even retain information you have just read or viewed.
  • You no longer have to make daily or weekly trips to the cemetery. You now feel comfortable going once a month or only on holidays or other special occasions.
  • You can find something to be thankful for. You always knew there were good things going on in your life, but they didn’t matter much before.
  • You can establish new and healthy relationships. New friends are now part of your life and you enjoy participating in activities with them.
  • You feel confident again. You are in touch with your new identity and have a stronger sense of what you are going to do with the rest of your life.
  • You can organize and plan your future.
  • You can accept things as they are and not keep trying to return things to what they were.
  • You have patience with yourself through “grief attacks.” You know they are becoming further apart and less frightening and painful.
  • You look forward to getting up in the morning.
  • You stop to smell the flowers along the way and enjoy experiences in life that are meant to be enjoyed.
  • The vacated roles that your loved one filled in your life are now being filled by yourself or others. When a loved one dies he or she leaves many “holes” in your life. Now those holes are being filled with other people and activities, although some will remain empty. You are more at ease with these changes.
  • You can take the energy and time spent thinking about your loss and put those energies elsewhere, perhaps by helping others in similar situations or making concrete plans with your own life.

You acknowledge your new life and even discover personal growth from experiencing grief.

 

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

I am Elizabeth--spelled with a Betsy.
I am a daughter, writer, maker, educator, change maker, and creator. I carry my mother's audacity for life with me and let it fuel my love, creativity, and joy. Carol's song lives on in bright colors, long hugs, fresh air, and loud laughter. I remember her here and reflect on grief, love, and what it means to keep living after a loss. - - - i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart).

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