Missing my momma today (not like I don’t miss her every day–I do, but today is different.)
I’m to that place where I know nothing will bring her back. I’m at that step when you accept that the person you love, your mother, your best friend, is never coming back.
I’m not telling sweet stories about how everything is going to be okay, because it would’ve been better with her here, us telling stories to each other about the last adventure and mishap we went through.
The hole doesn’t get smaller, you just get used to it as you walk through your day, always a little more empty than you were before she died.
2 years gone tomorrow. I wish I could wish you back.
But you’re gone. And I know that. And I’ll still make you proud momma. I’ll still keep trying to fix everything and enjoy life while I’m at it.
I’ll still keep holding you, your memories, your lessons, your love with me forever (or for my forever—as long as that may be.)
No one knew how to make me feel better like my momma did.
I’ve dealt with depression probably since middle school, I just didn’t realize it was depression until I was an adult.
At night when I was a kid I used to get sad and I didn’t know why. I would usually find my mother, or buzz her on the intercom from the basement and tell her that I wasn’t feeling well. She’d come down to my room and I’d tell her how overwhelmed and bad I felt. She would always hold me and tell me that it’s okay to cry. “Sometimes we just get full of emotions and have to let them out.”
I still struggle with my emotions, usually now it’s in the morning; not wanting to get out of bed because what’s the point. She used to make me get up too ( I always hated that) and would tell me, “Don’t waste the daylight!” Now I have a guilt complex about sleeping in, even though I do it all the time. But it can be a good voice in there too, telling me to live this life and not let the dark thoughts and corners eat me up.
“Get out there and do something!”
Not today though mom. Today I’m going to sit inside, cry, and remember you.
And I think you would say that’s okay, and want to hold me if you could.
Loved and remembered. Carol Ann (Comstock) Weiss ~ January 22 1953 – August 26 2014
Betsy, I am now crying. But no matter how sad my tears are, they are worth it when spent on you. Your mom being the wonderful mom, will be missed forever, and you are right, you don’t get over it, you get used to it. Here is the good news: she knows it and would want you to be happy more than sad. As a mom, my only hope when I die, is that they continue on and be happy. Not rich, not famous, not anything matters more than their happiness. I deal with depression and have since I was in grade school. It takes a life time to learn how to deal with it minus being zombified (word) with drugs. The five years I walked 3 miles every day removed the depression. I just noticed one day it was gone. Now it lingers and I know I need to keep moving so I do and thats how it works for me. Walking 3 miles a day is what I need to go back to doing, but I love how I can control it now, instead of it controlling me. You are everything your mother would every want you to be, Betsy. And that is enough. <3
Thank you for sharing, Betsy. It sounds like you had such an incredible relationship with your Mom- and that is so special. Sending you lots of love and heart hugs. xoxoxoxo
Call it fate, call it karma, call it what you will. About 5 years ago when i started reading JK Rowling I was realizing again how good it is to read. coming from a screen junkie who loves to torrent the Big Bang theory, this says alot. I remember from that time knowing that Memories are important. I capitalize the word “memory” to show just that. JKRowling constantly encouraged H. Potter to go into Dumbledore’s room and parouse the Pensieve. For better or worse (bc i can obsess about memories of my ex and that’s not good) I try to remember the events of the past. Usually, mom drinking wine by the fire pit is what i come to. She was amazing, and at the risk of being pragmatic, I probably drink much more red wine than Michael does. Because of mom.!
Yes, Betsy, it was okay to spend today mourning your beautiful Mom. I did too. She was phenomenal woman and full of love for you, Jon, your dad, and lots of other people. Tomorrow you pick yourself up and get back to the job of living without your beloved Mom. You have been doing such a great job of doing that with the love of Brandon, your family, and your students. You make your Mom proud of you daily.
I miss her, too, and I loved her so much! I am so sorry that your mom was taken so soon and I can’t necessarily find the blessing in that for you. (for her, yes… but for you…) But I do think you were blessed beyond compare to have her for your mom. She was an amazing person, and she will never leave our hearts.
Sometimes, when I really want to confide in her and get her advice about something, I go ahead and do it! Somehow, it always surprises me when I can hear her inaudible response. 🙂