Thoughts on loss and my mother on the anniversary of her death.
There has been so much collective grief and loss this past year and a half. Today I sit with my personal grief and remember my mother as she passed away 7 years ago today.
Her voice in my mind isn’t as strong, but it’s still so close. To all of you who have felt grief or loss, be it the death of a family member, partner, friend, or even bff pet, I hope you also feel them with you. Death is inevitable, as I wrote the day before my mom died, but sometimes it really feels unfair when someone we love gets taken sooner than we think they should.
I feel that pain with you today. I feel the anger of missing out on tons of opportunities, to travel, to talk, to get and give advice, a hug, to laugh, or even argue, just to be together, the joy we could have kept sharing.
I also feel the deep appreciation for love that was here, that was felt, that is in me and will live on and on and on.
This date is always really hard…but it is also really good. I love moments that bring me closer to my mom again, and today I feel close to our communal human experience as well.
I am thinking of you out there, in your pain, joy, and memory.
I hope this last journal I wrote the day before my mom died can somehow connect with you and help you feel what you need to feel.
I love you friend, stranger. And I’m glad that you are alive here with me today.
August 25th, 2014
Today was hard, beautiful, overwhelming sad, hopeful, tiring, peaceful. So much in one day.
I’m thankful that my mom is still here. I don’t want to go forward to a future where she’s not…but it’s all starting to be a little less impossible…and with that I feel a little bit more like the world is going to be okay, even after.
My mom lost her ability to communicate now, almost totally. She did turn into me when I snuggled up in the bed though, and then held her hand on my leg and then in my hand.
She’s there, she’s just also very far away.
So many people to make sure that they know, so many people to call. I would hate for someone to be taken by surprise after she’s gone…but it might happen. It’s just so fast, a few extra days of slowing would be nice to sit, and grieve, smile, even laugh, and do lots of crying.
Which I have to say I will be ready to be done with. The crying just comes so easy sometimes, but I’m exhausted and don’t want to be sad for the rest of my life.
But, it has been a good one up until now hasn’t it. And she has gone through it like a blazing star. So bright you can’t be near her and not be affected by her joy and her positive spirit.
And this is today. And if we focus on this moment now it is all a bit easier to bare.
And death is inevitable. And we go bravely into the dying of the light. And we except that it is. And we grieve and we live, always remembering, always carrying her with us.
I carry you with me–i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
And sitting here, next to you with the family…I think you know that. I think you know that you are still here with us, and you will always be.
